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Your Mission (Should You Choose to Accept It): You find yourself in a crowded room full of people. You have a Styrofoam cup with a lid and a straw, the contents inside are a mystery even to you. Your challenge is to get someone to drink from this mystery cup. How can you get someone to drink from the cup without knowing what is inside? Maybe the room is full of friends, family, co-workers, complete strangers, or…gulp, insert younger generation of your choosing. Either way, the mission is the same. Will you be able to get someone to take a sip?
If your first reaction is to start by talking about things other than the cup—their children, their favorite sports team, or where they grew up—then you are on the right track. The answer to getting someone to drink from the cup and the answer to ruling the world is the same: influence. The ability to influence people is the most powerful form of leadership and one of the simplest to attain, but for most, it is a skill they will never achieve. Read on if you want to learn the secret.
What do union organizing campaigns, your best employee quitting, unruly third-grade classrooms, and dysfunctional families have in common? Usually, poor leadership! Simply put, this paper is for anyone with a desire to manage a team, lead a project, coach a sport, teach children, or just be a better parent. The truth is anyone can benefit from raising their awareness about the power of leadership through influence. People who are great influencers naturally form stronger bonds with those around them through trust and credibility that can only be achieved by being true to one’s authentic self. There are no secret formulas or mental gymnastics required.
If you’ve ever asked, "How can I become the best leader possible?" then read on for the answer.
Like many things, people tend to define leadership, culture, and especially influence differently. For me, I simply define influence as the ability to drive the decision-making or behavior of an individual or group without having to provide significant direction or, ideally, even being in the room. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably said out loud at some point, "I just want my kids to make good decisions, especially when I’m not there." This statement alone defines and highlights the ultimate goal of influence. Whether it’s children, friends, families, or the people who work with us, to be a great leader, we must be able to effectively influence people.
There is a great Ted Talk by Derek Sivers where he talks about how leadership is “over-glorified.” In the video, Sivers points out that a seemingly crazy guy dancing in an open field becomes a leader when he gains his first follower, which eventually turns into a whole crowd of dancers. While dancing may be contagious, for most of us, influence and leadership requires focused effort and energy.
It is my firm belief that to have the ability to influence, trust and credibility must be there first. While trust typically grows stronger over time, everyone chooses trust instantaneously at times, as many people form opinions very quickly. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Believe it or not, this is less about the impression and more about the beginnings of trust. Don’t believe me? Think about a product or brand you love. You are more likely to buy or align with that product based on use over time and great experiences, but you also might blindly choose to buy something because of a celebrity endorsement or the brand itself. This is all about trust. In some ways, you can almost say influence is the manifestation or result of trust. I’ve personally never been influenced by someone I do not trust. I may take orders, do my job, and drone along compliantly, but there is no influence.
Sometimes you will find those rare people who you are willing to trust based on high levels of respect alone. Think of generals with amazing track records or CEOs who turn every business they touch to gold. For the rest of us, there are trust “multipliers” that drastically improve and increase the level of trust. I loosely call this “likeability,” but likeability is really a combination of two critical factors: the degree of authenticity and consistency that is demonstrated. Being true to oneself is not only an admirable quality, but people tend to gravitate toward it. The people I’ve been most influenced by were those whom I liked, and I normally liked them because they were authentic people who operated the same day in and day out, no matter the situation or person. The reason I place so much emphasis on likeability is because, frankly, I’ve rarely trusted someone I didn’t like. To be clear, I’ve liked people I don’t trust, but that was typically surface level. Maybe they were funny or witty, but you can rest assured they likely weren’t consistent, nor were they authentic.
So now that we understand the “equation” to create “like” to enhance trust and ultimately be able to influence, how do you do it? How and when does it happen? This is where, in my humble opinion, the art, science, and real beauty of people strategy comes into play: relationships, relationships, relationships.
Why can you influence your children, your spouse, or anyone in your family? It’s simple. Beyond the obvious that they love you, you have a relationship with them. Over time, you’ve formed common bonds and demonstrated your authenticity and consistency. You have become likable, trusted, and influential.
A relationship can be deep and complex, or it can be simple and brief. A relationship is born of connection and commonality. It spans from growing up together to just meeting but sharing a love for the same sports team. All of these create connection and lead to relationship building.
So knowing things are that simple, why do we choose to ignore the most basic norms of human interaction in our everyday life? Why do we think it’s OK to act and treat people differently at work or at a restaurant than we do at home? When we aren’t relatable, can’t demonstrate likeability or build trust, why would we think we can influence anything? What is the ultimate key to creating and harnessing influence? Play people chess (not checkers), stop over-glorifying strategy, and use your moments of high influence. And for goodness’ sake, stop starting bar fights, especially those you cannot win.
As a leader, understanding the dynamics of people and positioning key players for optimal outcomes is far and away the most important thing a leader can do. Back to the cup story. Every chance a leader gets, they should look for nuggets of gold to build relationships with their people. If leaders constantly looked for ways to build connection, just think how successful they would be. An entire team of people being influenced to win a common mission is a powerful thing, and it all starts with their connection to the leader.
Strategy is often romanticized, and there is constant debate over whether someone is being “strategic.” In reality, if the most important thing a leader can do is influence people, then as the old Peter Drucker quote goes, “culture eats strategy for breakfast.” People being influenced to accomplish anything—even a bad strategy—will likely be successful if they are motivated and inspired by their leader. So how do we demystify strategy and make it more attainable? Play people chess by using your moments of high influence to build relationships and gain the trust needed to influence people in the moment or in the future. As a leader, I never miss an opportunity to have a conversation, check in on a team member, ask how someone is doing, do something menial many leaders wouldn’t do, or give praise in public. We are always building that invisible bank of goodwill. Those with the most currency will win, and that is strategic.
Have you ever been in a bar fight? I haven't, and here's why. Starting a bar fight might seem easy—just pick someone, approach them, and throw a punch. But the real challenge lies in dealing with the unpredictable aftermath. This chaotic approach mirrors how many people operate—they let ego and bravado take control, impeding their ability to build meaningful relationships and leverage the power of influence.
For those adept at playing the long game, akin to a strategic game of chess, discerning which battles are worth fighting is crucial. Most rational people can spot a conflict brewing; thus, the goal is not to throw the first punch but to avoid conflict altogether. Can you use your relationships and influence—or tap into the influence of others—to prevent a conflict before it starts or even turn a potential adversary into a friend? While some battles are unavoidable, it's essential to choose only those you know you can win.
Accept that if you aren’t currently influential, then you are leading through title and authority only. There may be many roads to Myrtle Beach, but only one goes in a straight line. The path of least resistance and the greatest effect (and satisfaction) is leading by influence. Now ask yourself, what have I done to become trustworthy? Are you liked, and what are you doing to be authentic and consistent? Do those things, but don’t make it weird. No one will care if you are trying to make these visible changes if they do not know anything about you. Prioritize relationships strategically. Collect relationships, nurture them, build connections, and add new ones. Then, when the time is right, sit back, give clear direction, and watch people amaze you with the things they are willing to do. You may not be in the room, but that’s because you’re off ruling the world through the power of strategic influence.
Cheers and bottoms up, it was just water in the cup after all.
Michael “Keith” Cutter is the Vice President of Talent Strategy at Delek US Holdings Inc., a downstream energy company. A licensed attorney in Texas, Keith has over 15 years of experience in human resources and labor relations. Passionate about culture and leadership, Keith has led strategic initiatives in talent management, diversity, and organizational development, primarily in the oil and gas industry.